Yer Mother Was a Regular Right-down Bad 'un!

I was nearly murdered! That little work'us turned wicious and all but murdered me! Well, me and the rest of the house, that is, Charlotte and the missis would have been helpless to his murdering had I not been there. That darned Oliver Twist, and after all the gentleness the missis showed him. He got me good to, my eye's swollen to three times its normal size. But don’t yer start thinking I couldn't have given him a proper whopping had I been prepared. I was just making friendly conversation with the villain, when all of a sudden he jumped on me. A well built man couldn't have defended himself any better! That Oliver is lucky Charlotte dragged him away from me, or he would have had my big fist in his snivelling little work'us face! After having given him his deserved beating, the missis locked him up in the coal cellar and sent me to retrieve the beadle to give him the proper beating. The master wasn't home at the time of the ferocious attack, so he couldn't beat him himself, and we needed someone qualified for the job. I ran through those busy streets to the beadle like the devil himself, with my clasp knife against my eye to stop it swelling. I wanted to make sure that little work'us got what he deserved, so I collected an imposing show of tears and terror before calling the beadle. Ha! He was so stunned by my performance he even forgot his beadle hat! He followed me back to the missis' house with his excitingly large cane. Back at the house, the missis was still sunk in her chair, Charlotte was trying to comfort her, and Oliver was kicking at the cellar door. The beadle was explaining how the missis had been feeding the boy too much meat, when the master arrived. After being removed from the cellar, Oliver called the missis a liar, obliging the master to give him a most excellent flogging. The boy's pain brought a wonderful smile to my face; wicious children always get what they deserve. Ha! I'd like to see him try to lay a hand on me again! Not while I'm awake, I tell yer that.